Semper Fi

I haven't written a thing here in the  Family Room for OVER a WEEK!  But I've got excuses... all kinds of excuses!  In short -  Life just kept happening at a break-neck pace around here, one day after the other with no time for writing anything except maybe the grocery lists - of which there were many - one to guide each of my several grocery shopping adventures to accommodate each of the several special eating occasions  - these past eight days. 

It seems that the 8 days that've passed since being here in the Family Room have been like, well, let's see... a tug-of-war?  Or maybe more like a tornado?  Or, I know, like a couple Gigantic Magnets pulling in completely opposite directions.  Whatever it's been like I do know this - these days have been: amazing, sad, scary, heart-wrenching.  And ...they've been filled with laughter, tears, rain, sunburn.  There were birthday celebrations, a prom, Special Olympics Spring Games Track & Field Day, a biopsy, IEP meeting, piano performance, bowling practice, a movie matinee outing, field trips and yesterday. 

Yesterday, the Day I Was Filled With Emptiness.  It was an awful feeling and quite shameful for me to feel that way, but shameful or not, I felt filled with emptiness. Being filled with emptiness sounds dumb and... it is dumb. But that's how I felt - yesterday.   Today in the light of this sun-splashed May First blue sky day, I'm actually embarrassed to think I could EVER feel empty... ever - but I did.  For awhile - a wallowing while. 

And this is why, early yesterday morning, this guy pictured here in an old photo taken a couple years back (the guy in the middle, in uniform) left - for good.  We all knew this day was coming and as it turns out it arrived later than originally scheduled; it's the old "hurry up and wait" aspect of military life this family has come to know.

August 2013 - PLC Graduation

This son's orders (coming a year after his college graduation/commissioning in the Marine Corps) were the reason for his departure yesterday. Shortly after breakfast and after seeing his two youngest brothers off to school for the last time, with his car packed with uniforms, boots, paperwork, his computer and a few meager belongings, he drove away - leaving his full-time civilian job of the past year, his two youngest brothers, his Dad, me, home - for good this time. For a good, long time.  He is now in the category of "our kids who only visit us" (that would be 4 of the 6) and the sub-category of "our kids who only visit us when Uncle Sam approves" (that's been 3 of those 4).

As Mom to 3 military kids, it's been awesome and awful at the same time throughout the years.  And yesterday the shameful, embarrassing, feeling sorry for myself, "awful" completely overshadowed the "awesome"-  with a big, dark, self-serving stupid old shadow.  It was all about the nothingness I heard at 5:00 when he'd normally be coming in the door from work, and then that terrible empty spot I sat across from at the dinner table at 6:00, and later around 9:00 the rotten lack of shenanigans I didn't witness as I readied his younger brothers for bed - it was awful and left me filled with emptiness. 

But today - I got about the business of not wallowing, not being so selfish in my perspective, and not letting "awful" win the day.  How ridiculous - "awful" winning the day.  Honestly, there is just too much awesome in all of this.  My son is doing what he's meant to do, what he's trained for and he's worked for for a long time.  He's serving our country, protecting and defending those of us here at home, putting others before himself, and all the while willing to put himself in harm's way to accomplish that.  So my being all selfish and whatnot?  That's not cool.  I'm done with my wallowing!

Take care all and God bless!
Karen



Semper Fi